Wii, Wii, Wii All the Way Home

It’s a New Year. Time to get fit. For motivation I bought a sassy new swimsuit, three sizes too small. Sadly, it was still a Plus size so I dug out the kid’s Wii Fit and balance board, determined to get in shape.

“It’s been 233 days since your last weigh in,” the Wii chastised my mini Mii—a digital representation of myself complete with helmet hair and white yoga pants, which I would never wear in real life (before or after Labor Day.)

“Step on,” the cheery voice said, followed by a sardonic grunt. “Uuuuuuu-fff!”

The passive aggressive machine recovered shortly, finally offering up a number more suited to a house address than a weight scale. With no warning, my Mii’s waist line sprang out—making contact with both sides of the big screen television. Both Mii and I hung our heads in shame.

“You are OBESE!” The Wii announced to the greater tri-state area.

For the agility and balance tests, I maintained my balance on one foot and  dutifully swirled my hips in concentric circles—only minorly injuring the cat. With all the flair of a game show, it announced my “Wii Age” (which rivaled my planned calorie count for the day.)

Feeling sporty, I chose soccer as my first event. Standing on the balance board, I was supposed to shift my weight in order to head butt the soccer balls being kicked at me.

I missed two balls then a shoe caught me in the face. My digital second and third chins wobbled in slow motion as my head snapped back up—just in time to get clocked by a panda head.

Seriously?! When did Nintendo decide decapitating an endangered species and dropkicking their heads at you was a family friendly game? I quit on ethical grounds.

Even though I had no real world experience, I chose tightrope walking. While maintaining perfect balance, I attempted to walk across the rope between two tall buildings. Minor threats such as a flock of birds attempted to distract me.

I carefully took my first step and the rope snapped. The building only shook slightly upon my landing.

Next, I tried the ski jump but caused an avalanche; I tested my balance on the iceberg tilt but instead got propositioned by a nearby whale; and I attempted the hula hoop but ended up with four hoops firmly wedged around my Mii’s waist.

Exhausted, I pulled out Wii Fit and switched to Wii Resort which features biking, jet skiing and skydiving. After searching high and low for the buffet with no luck, I finally found the purpose for my white pants: I signaled my surrender.