C is for Cry
At age 37, I had silicone implants put in.
Not in my breasts but in my tear ducts.
I have had an issue with crying my whole life. I had a violent military birth with a forceps delivery that left me with a black eye, lopsided nose and clogged tear ducts. There are no pretty baby pictures of me and when a prettier, blonde “Smith” baby was presented to my parents by the nursery staff, they were honest enough to request their actual, ugly baby.
During the crucial teen years, I had an evil step father who made it his goal to make everyone in the household cry. Therefore I made it my goal to not cry. Ever.
As a married adult, I can count on both hands the numbers of times I have cried. It is cause for great concern if my husband sees me crying–and like all husbands, he’d really rather not see me indulging in a sob fest.
And for me, the concept of indulging is key. Anger and tears are two emotions I don’t feel I can indulge in. And I hold a false, inappropriate disdain for those who can cry and benefit from it.
Apparently my lifelong practice of not crying has dried up my tear ducts. I have wore contact lenses since middle school. I am nearly blind without them but about two years ago, my eyes were irritated from the second the contact lens hit my eyeball.
After having silicone plugs put in my tear ducts and conducting some testing, it turns out I have defective tears. The average blink should coat your eye with tears that will last 13-15 seconds, before you need to blink again. My tears lasted less than 2 seconds.
I don’t know that my lack of crying actually sent my tears packing, but the result is a lifetime of wearing glasses. There is no brand of contact lens that will replace what can longer be generated.
Cry Little Children
But not crying isn’t a skill I want my children to inherit.
My children will indulge in a good cry. And it makes me happy. Just today, as Grandma and four cousins left for Michigan, Spencer shed some tears. He has a particularly sensitive heart and prefers to cry with Momma or Daddy in attendance. Delaney has sobbed over friendship slights, the death of pets and because her best plans went awry.
I have never encouraged them not to cry. I hope it is an outlet they are able to use, as needed. And perhaps some day my tears will come back. Until then, I will rock the implants and train a dry eye on my children–learning from their example.
What personal flaws do you have that you don’t want to pass along to your children?
Tomorrow’s post is about Doubt.
Very interesting. I was always made to feel weak for crying, and it’s something I have had to teach myself it’s ok to do. For years I couldn’t stop crying. Now, after some of life’s tougher blows, I hardly cry at all.
Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t cry so easily! If I got upset by falsely being accused about something, like in high school, I would get upset and cry. Thought that was always a “weakness”.
Your inability to cry is Not a personal flaw. You’re a brave woman to have lived through the childhood you did, and to be able to give a normal, healthy one to your children.
Hats off to you, and may you be able to wear contact lenses soon.
I always knew you had to have a flaw somewhere. Defective tears…hmmm. Guess that will have to do =)
what personal flaws? hmm, well, I think I inherited my major flaw, don’t ask others for help, do it yourself. Very difficult to overcome and I’ve never succeeded.
What an interesting post. Most people would never think to view the word cry from this angle, but you’ve had such an interesting life experience. I’m so glad you visited my blog – I love this post and look forward to your other A to Z posts:)
Hi Nicole! Glad I saw this up here tonight! A fact I did not know about you! Growing up in a household with a psychologist as a father, crying was encouraged. This post made me think about the song from “Free to Be” called “It’s Alright to Cry.” Do you remember that one?
I’m reallly sorry about your defective tear ducts. Simply blinking without thinking of the tears doing a good work on our eyes is something that most of us take for granted. I am inspired that you have not squelched cryiing from your kids, considering your past. Most of us have a hard time not repeating our faults as parents. Kudoes to you as a mom!