blogging challenge
If belief is the opposite of doubt, then I find belief to be a lot like math. In theory, I understand some of the basic tenants. I have seen some experts put it into practice. And if I strive very hard, I can graze my fingers along its edge before it vanishes again.
I wish belief was easy for me but it is not.
I grew up in a Christian home, attended a Christian college, populated my social calendar with religious groups and events and regularly attended church for almost all of my 39 years.
Yet, doubt is my default.
I’ve never been comfortable declaring myself a Christian because 1.) some of the worst people I know are Christians and 2.) I was never very good at it. For me, it is the equivalent of claiming to be a mathematician.
At the moment, the best I can do is declare myself as having one foot in a bucket of agnosticism and one foot in an ocean of hopeful thinking.
The “Good” News
I have a hard time imagining a God who created a world full of diversity and then created a prescribed six step program that swings open the gates Heaven. But in His creativity, He forgot to give the instructions to the bulk of the world.
Rachel Held Evans’s book Evolving in Monkey Town says this, “If salvation is available only to Christians, then the gospel isn’t good news at all. For most of the human race, it is terrible news.”
For years, I refused to read even one book that might contradict what I was taught. My faith was already that shaky. I still have a hard time reading them, feeling I have to balance the scales by reading an equal number of Zondervan books.
Two of my favorite middle ground books include Rachel Held Evans’s Evolving in Monkey Town and Jason Boyett’s O Me of Little Faith. Both are decidedly smarter than me and they offer wise rationales on why they doubt. Their excuses are more articulate and well-rounded than my excuse of “I just don’t get it.”
Letting Go
Many of the things I was raised to believe, ring hollow for me now. I see contradictions everywhere. I can’t buy the Bible’s teachings lock, stock and barrel. I have a hard time believing Jesus has a political affiliation, let alone a country preference. And for years, I have faithfully carried out all the steps to grow your faith–attend church, read the Bible, practice quiet time, join a Bible study, serve in the community and so on.
But right now, I am tired. I have searched. I have performed my part–diligently seeking. But I still have not found.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
It feels inappropriate to express doubt for a multitude of reasons.
- I might infect someone who is secure in their beliefs.
- I will worry my loved ones, who are now convinced I am headed to hell.
- It invites people to convert me or to help me see the light.
- It doesn’t solve anything.
There are a hundred reasons to NOT ask questions. There are a thousand reasons to nod along with masses, pretending that I am moved by the worship music and that the Bible verses light up on the page.
I find myself in a more pressing predicament with my two children (age 7 and 9). Both of them are prayer warriors, steadfast believers and generous souls. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize their growing faith.
Since doubt is my default, I don’t want to pollute them with my unbelief. But when they ask hard faith questions, am I supposed to lie? Am I suppose to recite what I was taught? Or do I share honestly or with filters?
I urge you to comment politely. Are you full of belief–or doubt? Are you good at math?
Tomorrow’s post is about Editing.